My Heart

Most people think that I only have 2 daughters. I actually have 3.

Several years ago I was in a bad relationship. I just didn't know how bad until I got pregnant. Then life just went from bad to worse. 2 days after I found out I was expecting the baby's father left to go back to his ex(after almost 2 years).. As if the emotional damage wasn't enough the financial damage created total destruction of the life I had gotten used to.. I won't go into great details because, I've moved on from that glitch in my life.. I see no point in rehashing any of my pregnancy or the relationship and bad decisions that followed closely behind. What I will say is that once my daughter was born I "cracked".. I had no job, no home, no ANYTHING and I was C.R.A.Z.Y. and pissed off.. I don't think there is anything more dangerous than combining crazy and pissed off. I think I proved that too. I loved my baby but, I couldn't provide for her. I couldn't provide financially or emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I loved on her, kissed on here, cuddled her but... somewhere in the mix of losing everything I became numb to so much.. I allowed her to be adopted.. in an around about way. I really don't remember how it all happened.. All I remember clearly is that I was her mommy and then I wasn't. I thought I had lost everything before I lost her but, I have to tell you after.... I had nothing left.. The lowest I've ever been in my life was at that time. Then the pain set in. It took me years to be somewhat normal after that. Years of trying everything I could to dull the ache and I mean everything I could get my hands on. It destroyed me..... Or at least I thought it did.

There's a song called Broken by Lindsay Haun.. In the song there's one line that explains the next portion of my life... "there is beauty in the breaking".. There definitely is..

Now, I still ache for her.. I still dream of her.. I still breakdown sometimes.. But, I'm okay now.. I have found some peace in the fact that I know she is alright. I get to see her pictures and hear how she's doing. Lord knows that is hard on me sometimes.. It was harder when I didn't know. I still struggle some days with the guilt, shame, doubts and the waiting for the day that I might have the chance to put my arms around her, look her in the eyes and explain what I can.. Tell her that I always loved her, I always wanted her but, that I just couldn't find a way to give her the life she deserved..

I just hope she can forgive me. Maybe then I'll forgive myself.. But, until then.. I know that WE'RE ok..

Today is her birthday. It is the first year that I have publically said that.. I'll leave you with the words that I wrote for her.





It's been 8 years ago today,

I feel so torn ..

It seems like only yesterday,

That my Destiney was born.

She holds a place in my heart,

Beside her sisters she's always there.

Although the confusion in my mind tore us apart,

I pray to God that she knows I care.

Happy Birthday my darling Destiney,

I know that you don't remember me..

I can't expect you to.

You're the one I hoped you'd be,

I'm the first person who ever held you.

In my dreams,

I hold you in my arms.

In reality my tears stream,

For I can only hold you in my heart,

That's why I cherish all my dreams...




　

　

Birthday Lists..

Today is my 32nd birthday. Every year on my birthday I put together a list of accomplishments to achieve before my next birthday. Last night I sat down with a pen and paper(I went old school) and began to write this list. As I was writing I started to wonder how many other people feel the same about their life as I do about mine. How many are looking back on the time that's passed with their hearts racing, sweaty palms, clock ticking in their ears and remorse.. even regret at what they haven't accomplished? I saw all these things on my list that I want to change. One of which being my ability to forgive certain people in my life so that I can completely move on. Another was to finally get my "demons" at bay. I want to get in shape. I want to start writing again( haven't in years). I want to sing like I used to. I want to quit smoking. When I got down to the bottom of my list I REALLY began to think HARD. The last 3 on my list left me sitting there staring at my paper. I'm not even sure that I meant to write them down.
8. I want to be a better, more understanding wife..
9. I want to be a better, more affectionate mother.
10. I want to stop being so damn afraid of things that I have no control over.
Anyone who truly knows me knows that this sort of thinking is in a way dangerous for me because I start getting ideas... Yep, smoke coming from my ears, can't write it fast enough kind of thinking.. These last 3 subjects on my list lead to me writing a pros and cons list, a positive and negative list and then lastly a list of what I like about myself. On the positive negative list I wrote the negative aspects of my life. On the positive list I wrote the positive. The positive list was much longer than the negative. I'm surprised because I was thinking that my life was seriously going down the crapper.
As I wrote the things I like about myself list I really had to think hard. It was the shortest list but, it took the longest to write down.
1. I like my eyes.
2. I like my hair.
3. I like that I have virtually no wrinkles.
4. I like my heart (not the literal one.. it gives me fits.. The one that I love with)
5. I am a good mother..

Once again, I sit there staring.. I've never said " I am a good mother".. It's rarely something that is said to me. I had written myself stupid.. My mind was screaming " no you're not!" and "how dare YOU write that".. "You've got one kid here and one there!".. "Do you think that you get a pass because you are raising Morgan?".. At this point I closed my notebook. I felt angry that I can't forgive myself. I can't even love myself because I am so caught up in what I didn't do rather than being thankful for what I had the ability to do.. What I HAVE the ability to do.. Anyone else out there have these moments of realization?

With all this reflection I got an idea.. (light bulb popped on).. What if there is someone else out there that is feeling worse than me?
All of this being said, I CHALLENGE each of you to do these lists yourself. Start with things you want to change about yourself and your life. Then, a positive and negative list about your life. Then list what you like about yourself. See what you come up with. See how long it takes you to do it.. Last, do the things on your to-change list..
Looky there.. it seems I am writing again.. :-)