My Heart

Most people think that I only have 2 daughters. I actually have 3.

Several years ago I was in a bad relationship. I just didn't know how bad until I got pregnant. Then life just went from bad to worse. 2 days after I found out I was expecting the baby's father left to go back to his ex(after almost 2 years).. As if the emotional damage wasn't enough the financial damage created total destruction of the life I had gotten used to.. I won't go into great details because, I've moved on from that glitch in my life.. I see no point in rehashing any of my pregnancy or the relationship and bad decisions that followed closely behind. What I will say is that once my daughter was born I "cracked".. I had no job, no home, no ANYTHING and I was C.R.A.Z.Y. and pissed off.. I don't think there is anything more dangerous than combining crazy and pissed off. I think I proved that too. I loved my baby but, I couldn't provide for her. I couldn't provide financially or emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I loved on her, kissed on here, cuddled her but... somewhere in the mix of losing everything I became numb to so much.. I allowed her to be adopted.. in an around about way. I really don't remember how it all happened.. All I remember clearly is that I was her mommy and then I wasn't. I thought I had lost everything before I lost her but, I have to tell you after.... I had nothing left.. The lowest I've ever been in my life was at that time. Then the pain set in. It took me years to be somewhat normal after that. Years of trying everything I could to dull the ache and I mean everything I could get my hands on. It destroyed me..... Or at least I thought it did.

There's a song called Broken by Lindsay Haun.. In the song there's one line that explains the next portion of my life... "there is beauty in the breaking".. There definitely is..

Now, I still ache for her.. I still dream of her.. I still breakdown sometimes.. But, I'm okay now.. I have found some peace in the fact that I know she is alright. I get to see her pictures and hear how she's doing. Lord knows that is hard on me sometimes.. It was harder when I didn't know. I still struggle some days with the guilt, shame, doubts and the waiting for the day that I might have the chance to put my arms around her, look her in the eyes and explain what I can.. Tell her that I always loved her, I always wanted her but, that I just couldn't find a way to give her the life she deserved..

I just hope she can forgive me. Maybe then I'll forgive myself.. But, until then.. I know that WE'RE ok..

Today is her birthday. It is the first year that I have publically said that.. I'll leave you with the words that I wrote for her.





It's been 8 years ago today,

I feel so torn ..

It seems like only yesterday,

That my Destiney was born.

She holds a place in my heart,

Beside her sisters she's always there.

Although the confusion in my mind tore us apart,

I pray to God that she knows I care.

Happy Birthday my darling Destiney,

I know that you don't remember me..

I can't expect you to.

You're the one I hoped you'd be,

I'm the first person who ever held you.

In my dreams,

I hold you in my arms.

In reality my tears stream,

For I can only hold you in my heart,

That's why I cherish all my dreams...